Trying Something New Again

So here I am at the end of week one of trying something new again. This week has been so emotional. I'm not sure how I feel about this new procedure I am trying but I feel like it may be working.

 All week I have been working on not getting my hopes up that this will work but its so hard not to. I have now been flaring for well over a year and I have tried so many things from medication to natural methods. I swear at this point I was so hesitant to start this new procedure but my husband convinced me that we need to exhaust all options because he knows at this point I am not going back to the doctors.

I was extremely scared to start this but I knew I had to put my best foot forward and suck it up. I know you all are probably wondering what this procedure is but I honestly am not comfortable talking about it yet. Those closest to me know what I am doing as I needed the moral support.

I will say as this week is winding down I have seen some positive results. Some of the urgency and frequency seems to be diminishing but again I am not sure if this is a fluke or not, only time will tell.

As I'm writing this it is so hard to focus because as things seem to be improving I daydream more and more about being beautiful again and not feeling hesitant to go out in public.

My hubby and me before it all got so terrible.

Friends

I have found since having this condition that many people can only handle so much and after awhile they die off either because they can't handle watching you go through things or they are selfish and they continue on with their life without you because you can't do the things they want to do.

That being said I want to give a shout out to a few friends that have come back into my life recently. All 3 of these ladies I have known for more than 10 years and I know they don't know it but somehow they have been my saving graces. On my worst days they tend to pop up out of nowhere and remind there are people still outside my family who care about me.

The first one is so inspirational to me. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade! This chick and I weren't friends in high school due to silly circumstances but one day I saw she had started her own business on LinkedIn and I emailed her and congratulated her. We exchanged numbers talked on the phone for a good 2 hours, met up for lunch and realized how much we actually had in common. From that point on we have kept in touch. This phenomenal woman has been through a lot and she has made so much of her life and I am grateful that she has chosen to include me in her life. She had a birthday gathering recently and invited me. It was such a pleasant surprise but I wasn't sure I could go because I never know how I'm going to feel. I told her this and she said to me we will declare that you will be feeling well on that day and behold I actually felt great that day. I went out and had a nice dinner with a bunch of awesome people thanks to my friend AH. I've decided from now on she is going to pray for me because I think she must have a bat cave to God...haha...thank you AH for including me in your life. I am so glad we reconnected.

This next friend I met in junior high school. I met AM in the cafeteria one day while I was being a total geek. I was so lonely I was playing with my candy and thank God she came up to me because I was so committing social suicide. She saved me from myself...lol. This beautiful woman always seems to text me on my worst days. We don't see each other or speak much but I feel her love. It's so weird. Every once in a while I will hit my lowest and all of sudden I will get a text that just says hey I just wanted to see how you are doing. Believe it or not this is so uplifting to me because it really does show that people do think of me. I don't always text back, because depression is a bitch, but I do want her to know that I think of her often and I am so glad she hasn't given up on me.

Lastly, my other junior high friend. Oh CC, we have been through alot together. I remember going to your apartment and hanging out with you and your sisters. I remember your laugh that always made me laugh. I am so glad  you found my blog. I remember running into you a few months back and being so embarrassed about how I looked and you never even commented on how bad I looked you just hugged me and said here's my number and you talked about how we should get our daughters together for a play date. I have been wanting to do that but I didn't know how to breakdown this sickness of mine. So I am beyond grateful that you found my blog and I cannot wait to spend some time with you and reconnect.

Now, I don't want to say these are my only friends that I have left because that would not be fair to the couple that have hung on since I have been sick. I write about these three wonderful ladies because I know it was God that brought them back into my life at just the right time. Right now it is the small things that keep me going and I look forward to the day that I feel good enough to  have a get together and tell all the wonderful people that have stood by me thank you. Until then I will show my gratitude the best I can on my good days.

CC..I cannot find our prom picture anywhere. It's the one picture I have of us. :(

AH and me at her 34th birthday celebration.

AM and me a couple years ago at her daughters birthday. My monsters first time on skates. :)

Things I've learned

Last night as I lay awake after one of my many trips to the restroom I decided to grab my ipad and check out Facebook and behold there was a message from a very old friend. The message from my friend was in regards to my blog and it was filled with so much love that it truly melted my heart.

I don't tell many people about my condition, I'm not exactly sure why I don't but it is what it is and I haven't told many people about my blog so I'm not sure how she found it but I'm glad she did. I started this blog because it is so much easier to get it out here than talk to people about this embarrassing condition.

After I read this message from my friend I still lay awake thinking and I came to some realizations. To start I have learned so manny things about myself as well as life and I've decided to write a list so here it goes:

1. I have learned to have faith in God again, even when I am unsure of why things are happening to me.

2. I have learned that even on my worst days I am stronger than  I think.

3. I have learned that friends do not come a dime a dozen and I am pleasantly surprised at the ones that God keeps bringing back into my life.

4. I have learned that my marriage isn't as perfect as I thought it was but I am glad that my husband and I got married for all the right reason because we are surviving this horrible condition together.

5. I have learned that stay at home moms do a whole lot more than I ever gave them credit for and it is a hard thankless job.

6. I have learned that I can't plan my life and everyday I'm learning how to go with the flow.

7. I have learned that depression is a bitch but I can keep moving through it because I have hope.

8. I have learned that that I can still have pretty days even though I am stuck with this stupid skinny body right now.

9. I have learned that sometimes a 6 year old can be wiser and stronger than most adults. My little angel is sometimes my rock on my bad days.

10. I have learned that when I feel alone, I'm not alone because God has my back and continues to bless me.

11. Lastly I have learned that people will always surprise you one way or the other.

GOODNESS! When I number these things it sure seems like a lot. There is plenty more I have learned but I think this is a good start.

She Earned It!

Yesterday was an amazing day! My beautiful daughter learned her first big lesson in life, which is with hard work rewards are earned. My little girl was finally promoted to a yellow belt in MMA yesterday and for those of you that don't know MMA stands for mixed martial arts.

 I am one proud momma! The look on her face when her coach tossed her, her yellow shirt was priceless. I wanted to cry I was so proud but did I mention we were in a MMA gym. Lord knows I don't want anyone to see me cry in there, even tears of joy because these are some tough people and I can't be embarrassing my baby on her big day.

Ayanna has only been doing this for about 6 months and she is just excelling at this sport. She is petite like me but doggone if she isn't a tough cookie! I love love love that my husband had this brilliant idea of putting her in this sport. I thought it was a good idea as well but i didn't realize all the benefits it would provide to my daughter. She has become so confident since starting this sport, she is so sure of herself and I for one cannot remember a time where I was ever as confident as my young 6 year old daughter is. I mean this little girl takes the boys down in her class like its no big deal, and I am all about girl power..hahaha.

I don't get many great days like this so I have to brag! She brings me so much hope everyday. Watching her takes me to new limits and heights. She makes me want to get better because I want to be able to participate with her and I want to be able to take her to do these awesome things. I thank God everyday for my angel because she is my muse, she keeps me going and she makes me strive for better.

So with that being said CONGRATULATIONS to my baby girl and here's to watching you accomplish so much more!

My big girl posing in her new yellow shirt! XTREME!!

I'm back

Soooooo, honestly I have been thinking of updating my blog for the last few months but I'm still not fully healed from this dreadful disease and I didn't want my blog to be so blah. However I've come to realize that maybe it's a good idea for me to share. I recently have been reading a blog by a wonderful lady named Ali. She has crohns but she reminds me so much of me. She is so candid and honest about her disease and as I was reading I realized it was nice to have someone to relate to, that being said she inspired me to attempt my blog again.

So here it goes. As of today I am not healed but I am getting better. I haven't been on any pharmaceutical drugs for over a year now YAY!! So to the doctor who said if I came off of prednisone I might as well just throw in the towel here's what I have to say "GO SUCK IT CUZ I'M STILL STANDING!  I definitely have good days and bad days but at least I can get out of the house more. I can now eat without immediately running to the restroom and let me tell you that is a huge feat. Now this doesn't always happen but I'm grateful for the good days. My energy levels still suck big fat butt but then again that could just be me. I'm so use to being free and carefree and this survival mode I have been in for the last year is just so depressing. I am so ready to live again. My birthday is in a month and honestly for the first time in 33 years I am so not excited. I was truly hoping to be 100% by my birthday but I guess God and my body have other plans for me. I am really trying not to be depressed with the up and coming birthday but damn if I didn't have high hopes...oh well.

On a more positive note I was told that I looked like I was in my early 20's just a couple days ago and for someone who always feels like she looks sick I suppose I must be doing something right. Yay me!

So this is me trying to catch everyone up a little bit..I don't want to bombard you with too much so until next time..I'm still working on getting to happy and God willing I will get there! My beautiful 6 year old daughter says that she knows by next year I will be healed. I believe God listens and speaks to the little ones so I'm hoping she know something I don't.

Me on a good day!

Lonely

Sometimes the lonliness creeps over me like a fog. I miss the good ole days. I was always a social butterfly and I always loved meeting new people. I use to make people laugh. I was always the girl who could laugh at herself and be ok with it. Now I'm just embarrassed and I try very hard not to draw attention to myself because I feel like I just look sick.

Sometimes it's so hard. Right now I live in a world of planning what I am going to do when I feel better and look better. I have this tremendous urge to just go run. I use to run track when I was in high school and I long for that feeling of freedom you get when you are out on that track. I daydream frequently about going dancing. My best girlfriends and I use to go to this awesome place called Stoney's. I always highly disliked most country music until they introduced me to this place. OMG this place was the best ever! Oh to dance again...
 
BUT I tell you the thing I miss the most is playing with my daughter. She is such a joy! She has this beautiful light about her. She is just beautiful inside and out. For six she is such a strong little girl. She is always there with a smile, a hug, or just kind words for mommy when I am down and out. I know that I am blessed and I can't wait to show her the mommy I was just  two years ago. She deserves it!

Ayanna and me rolling down a massive hill just a year ago! The prednisone allowed this for a short while.





The two of us at the bottom of the hill after I accidently rolled over her..LOL!

Ayanna and me now. This is the love of my life!

Supplements Update

So I have now been on my new supplements going on 5 days and the detoxing effects they have had totally SUCK! I haven't had much sleep in the last few days and I'll be honest I'm getting a little bit grumpy. I've been through this before with other supplements and cleanses so I know what to expect but DAMN if I am not tired of not feeling well. I'm hoping in the next couple of days I will start to actually see some of the benefits of these supplements.

On a more positive note Dan and Suzy have been so good with checking up on me. They have either called or text me every other day since I have started this regime. It is so nice to have such a great support system. They are both so encouraging and I almost have no option but to be optimistic about these new supplements. I keep thinking of all the things I'm going to do as I get better and start gaining my weight back.

I'm not going to lie mostly I think about gaining my weight back. You see I have all these fabulous clothes that I can't wear because I lost so much weight. I look in my closet daily and I daydream about wearing my clothes. I know this may sound a little vain but if you knew me or know me you know that I wasn't always very confident about my looks. It wasn't until I lost everything that I realized everyone wasn't lying to me about how pretty I was. It's a damn shame I couldn't see what was in front of me until it was taken away. Now all I see is this rail thin girl with dark circles under her eyes all the time because I'm always so tired.

I miss the old me. I may have been insecure about my looks but I use to laugh all the time. Now I feel like I laugh so rarely.

I cannot wait to get my life back! Please God let this one work......